2008's Karmic Test

This week the Phillies won the World Series.  Tuesday is Election Day.

Is it possible for two amazing things to happen within one week? Or will I wake up Wednesday morning to find out that every pollster had been overestimating the Democratic weighting in their polls/the level of youth turnout/etc and find out that John McCain will be our next president?

You know somewhere in Pennsylvania there were Democratic baseball fans, who having been tortured by the Phillies for the last three championship-less decades, struck a Faustian bargain:

"O Great Spirit Who Controls the World Series and Election Results, if You can only allow the Phillies to win in the World Series, then I don't care what happens Tuesday, even if it means that the Diebold voting machines switch every vote to McCain, that Republican campaign staffers flood the Democratic offices with phone calls to disrupt the Get Out The Vote operation, or that a Republican-selected Supreme Court once again decide the election even when the American people have voted Democrat."

So I'm hanging my hat on my as yet unproven belief that the job of deciding election results is independent from the job of deciding World Series results and Phillies fans will not have to pay the horrible karmic punishment of celebrating a WS win and mourning an Obama election loss.

Okay, I'm off to the backyard to dig up my Palin voodoo doll and poke more pins in it.

RIP, George

Maybe I'll revisit this when I think of something funny to say.

But for now, Mr. Carlin, you'll be missed.

Even sadder than the tears of a clown...

...is finding someone on facebook only to learn that they "have no friends."

Ouch.

There's a whole virtual world out there, people.  Go make a pseudo-connection.

If blogger could footnote, this is where I'd do it.  Know what's sadder than that? Not inviting them to my page because I don't want to be rejected by someone without friends.

One Hundred Things

1. This is the second time I made a list like this.
   
2. I deleted the first one.
3. The first concert I ever attended was the U2 Zoo TV Tour.
4. For the first time ever I am not registered to vote as an independent.
5. I’m now a registered Democrat.
6. The scariest thing I ever did was bungee jumping.
7. That was scarier than skydiving.
8. I went skydiving twice.
9. By my thirtieth birthday, I ran out of goals.
10. Maybe that’s why I haven’t been very happy since.
11. I have been a vegetarian for over three years.
12. Two of my favorite movies star Humphrey Bogart.
13. Not once in my life have I smoked a cigar, cigarette, or anything else.
14. As a boy, I loved the board game Monopoly.
15. When I started law school, I set a goal to graduate first in my class.
16. My law school did not issue rankings to students, but I heard I finished in the top five.
17. When I am nervous, I say the word “like” a lot.
18. Before I die I hope to visit all fifty United States.
19. I have not visited Utah, Iowa, Kansas, Nebraska, or North Dakota.
20. People find me easy to get along with.
21. I won the class of 1993 senior fall athlete cutest baby picture award.
22. It was a picture of my first Halloween.
23. I was eight weeks old and dressed as a carrot.
24. My wife and I have been together for more than half our lives.
25. I’m only 25 days older than my wife.
26. Our passports both say we’re born on the same date.
27. So I lie each time I go through immigration and say my birthday is the same as my wife’s.
28. I’ve studied Isshinryu Karate, Muay Thai, Panantukan, and Kali.
29. People in New Zealand thought my accent sounded Canadian.
30. One summer day I taught myself to juggle.
31. I don’t care too much for being a lawyer.
32. If I could go back in time, I would take university much more seriously.
33. My best friend is an Australian woman I have never met.
34. I do not consider myself to have a competitive personality.
35. I’m writing a novel.
36. My Meyers-Briggs personality type is ISTP.
37. As I’ve matured, I realize that I have quite a few “E” and “N” qualities.
38. I grow impatient with people who talk a lot during meetings.
39. One of my hobbies is photography.
40. The L4 and L5 disks in my back are damaged.
41. As a result, it’s painful for me to walk or stand.
42. I’ve only gambled one time in a casino.
43. I played poker in Las Vegas and I won.
44. My wife and I have been married for more than a decade.
45. I can’t remember the last time that we had an argument.
46. Every Tuesday between 7:30 and 8:45, I go to yoga.
47. One summer I tried to read the Bible from start to finish.
48. I didn’t get much further than Leviticus.
49. God killed lots of people those days.
50. I figure he’s sneakier about it these days but probably does the same thing.
51. That is, if he even is real.
52. The first movie I remember seeing in the theater was The Black Stallion
53. My parents separated when I was not quite seven.
54. I’ve shot and killed six deer.
55. When I’m reading I enjoy listening to jazz.
56. Generally, I’m not scared of heights.
57. I am scared of needles.
58. Legos were my favorite childhood toy.
59. Only one time did I ever correctly guess the Final Four in the NCAA basketball tournament.
60. The furthest I have been away from home is Adelaide, Australia.
61. There was a time in my life when I wanted to be on the TV game show Jeopardy!
62. My senior year English term paper was on the Irish short story writer Frank O’Connor.
63. The very first CD I owned was Bachman Turner Overdrive’s greatest hits.
64. I didn’t like mushrooms until I was 20.
65. The last time I got really, really drunk, a cab driver kicked me out of his taxi.
66. I’ve never had any broken bones.
67. I’ve been in two minor auto accidents.
68. Neither were my fault.
69. Three of my favorite university classes were History of Jazz, Organized Crime, and Geology of the National Parks.
70. I drive a 2008 Mazda 3.
71. Between 1996 and 2002 I kept a list of every book that I read.
72. Most people who know me well describe me as being funny.
73. I started using an electric razor because a normal razor was too harsh on my skin.
74. In a few years, I think we’re all going to be growing our own vegetables to save money.
75. I’m currently watching The Sopranos, every episode from start to finish.
76. When I’m alone in the car I sing along to the radio.
77. I’ve only ever quit one job because I didn’t like it.
78. The only jewelry I wear is my wedding band.
79. On the inside of it are my full name, the date of our wedding, and three dots that stand for “I love you.”
80. It’s white gold.
81. When it’s cold and dry, I can make it fly off of my finger by clapping or shaking my hand.
82. I have stood on top of a glacier.
83. By this time next year I may be earning a teacher certification.
84. I get bored with routine.
85. I think it’s unlikely that Jenny and I will ever have children.
86. I like getting my own way without hurting people’s feelings.
87. Most of the time I’d prefer that they not realize that I’m getting my own way.
88. That’s because I try to find solutions that work for everyone, not just me.
89. When I feel that a friend isn’t putting much effort into a friendship, I’ll stop putting in the effort, as well.
90. Maybe that’s why I haven’t kept up that many of my friendships.
91. Aside from Jenny, I stay in touch with only 3 people from high school.
92. My graduating class had over 400 people.
93. It took me only 7 semesters to graduate from university, without summer school.
94. This was in spite of transferring in the middle of my sophomore year.
95. My hair looks brown when it’s longer; blond when it’s shorter.
96. I wear my hair short.
97. I’m licensed to drive in 2 different countries.
98. I spent my 27^th birthday in Puerto Rico, my 30^th in New Zealand, and my 31^st in Australia.
99. I’m going to spend my 33^rd in Mexico.

100. I hope my family and friends know how much I love them.

Doing my part

I think each of us, in our own small way, should contribute toward making the world a better place.

Here's what I do.

Whenever I go to Costco or to the supermarket, I stop by the book section.  Instead of books being on shelves, the books are laid out in stacks on a table top.  I locate the books by right wing fanatics like Ann Coulter or Bill O'Reilly and I hide them.  It's not that clever, really.  I simply borrow a book from another stack and cover up the offending title.  So instead of seeing "How to Talk to a Liberal (If You Must)" staring up at them, shoppers will instead see what appear to be two stacks of, say, "The Kite Runner."

When we moved back to the US, I started doing this at the local store about once every week or two.  Each time I came back, Ann Coulter's ugly title was visible again.  And, again, I'd conceal it.  I'd get a little more inventive each week.  Instead of using a book from the next stack over, I'd use one from the other side of the table.  Or I'd create a hole where the Ann Coulter books should have been and move the Coulter books a few stacks over so it looked like they were sold out.  

I often wondered whether the same employee was responsible for putting the books back.  Did he or she think of it as some bizarre game of cat and mouse? Or was it a different employee each time, so no one made the connection that someone was doing his part to prevent the dumbening of supermarket shoppers?

In any event, a few weeks ago I walked up to the table.  Ann Coulter's books were gone.  I paused.  What could this mean? Had I won? Had the supermarket thrown up its hands and said, "The hell with it.  We don't sell any of these books in Seattle, anyway, and it's too much trouble having to fix the table once a week?"

Or had something more sinister occurred? Had the books actually sold out? Did people really want to read these books? Had my efforts been in vain, or did demand for these books mean the efforts were worthwhile even if the books were eventually purchased?

Was there someone else like me--but more effective at concealing the books? I envision someone even more daring.  Instead of hiding the books elsewhere on the table, maybe they were moved to the snack food aisle and hidden behind bags of pork rinds? (Not that I think behind pork rinds would be a good hiding place; I suspect that many consumers of pork rinds are also readers of Ann Coulter).

In any event, I felt like a man without a purpose.  I halfheartedly browsed the titles and then walked to the organic food section.

Now I need to find another way to contribute.

Checklist for shopping at Wal-Mart

• Attach Dale Earnhardt sticker to rear window of enormous pickup truck
• Find spandex pants (women)
• Find a plain white sleeveless tee (men and women)
• Drive enormous pickup truck to Walmart
• Circle parking lot for 20 minutes looking for a space to avoid walking
• Visit DVD section and toss unwanted $5 DVDs on the floor
• Eat at McDonald's
• Visit plus-size lingerie section;  gossip with Wal-Mart employee friend
• Eat at McDonald's
• Stand in line for 25 minutes
• Open a Pepsi and bag of Doritos while standing in line
• Do again tomorrow

The First Rule of Audience Behavior

I went to see K.T. Tunstall's concert Saturday night.  She's one of those artists that likes to have a little chat with the audience in between songs.  I was reminded of this rule:

When the singer talks, laugh.  Even if what they say isn't funny.

There are only two exceptions:

Exception one:  If the singer mentions a place that is nearby or that you have been to (Pascagoula, MS, say, or, in Saturday's case, Port Townsend, WA), don't laugh.  Scream.  Hey! She just mentioned somewhere you've been! Whoooooooooooooooo!!!

Exception two:  If the singer mentions his or her disapproval of the war in Iraq, cheer/boo based on the concert's location (Portland, OR:  cheer; Tulsa, OK: boo).

Audiences routinely laugh at even the stupidest things performers say.  It's unreal.  Maybe it's why Eddie Murphy tried to switch from comedy to music.  The audiences are such suckers.

The Ignorant Have Spoken...

...and they want Hillary Clinton as president.

Arkansas overwhelmingly voted for Clinton in its primary.  On Tuesday, West Virginia will do the same.  The lesson:  the whiter and more ignorant you are, the more likely you are to want Clinton to be president.

I think this pretty much makes the case that Barack Obama should be the nominee.

Call me Casper

So last week Jenny buys me this nice merino wool T-shirt.  It's black.  I dunno how I'm gonna look, but I try it out, and guess what? I look pretty good.   I say to Jenny, "This shirt looks pretty good on me."

Her reply:  "Maybe it's the contrast."

Thanks for making me feel even whiter.

My oh my.

There are those people who think Mariners play by play announcer Dave Niehaus is an idiot because he says things like:

"LINE DRIVE...tapped back to the pitcher, who throws on to first for the easy putout."

But I think it's because he says things like:

"And then [Lou Gehrig] was diagnosed with A.L.S., the disease for which he was named."

When I have kids, I'm naming one of them Emphysema.